“Basic Model” Indoor Plant Watering
Step 1: Take some water
Step 2: Pour it on the plant.
No, really, that’s pretty much all there is to it, for about 95-99% of all houseplants. So, whenever I say, “Basic Model” watering, this is what I mean.
Rule of (Green) Thumb: Use it (or your index finger, or your appendage of choice) to feel the top of the plant’s soil. If it’s dry, water it. Give it just enough so that water comes out the hole at the bottom of the plant. Plants generally don’t like to sit in their refuse water (really, would you?), so pour out the leftover water, or use a plant dish with a water reservoir.
Congratulations! You’re a plant watering expert!
Over the past year, I’ve read a LOT of books, websites, and instruction tags that come with indoor plants. There are definitely some exceptions, but for the overwhelming majority of plants, just water them when the top of the soil is dry.
I’ve taken in 40+ houseplants in the past year, and this method has worked just fine for virtually all of them except orchids, which are total divas (for good reason, given their looks).
I like to give the topsoil of my plants a poke every other day or so, just to gauge where they are. Even the same kind of plant (e.g., Calatheas, Crotons, and other things I would have thought were British towns and/or cheeses this time last year) can dry out at different rates. There’s really no substitute for the touch test.
There are also a lot of automatic watering type things you can buy, and which I hope to try out just for the lulz. But really, none of it is necessary. Plants have existed on this planet for a billion+ years. Did the dinosaurs worry about how to take care of plants that were all over the place? No.
AmateurPro™ Tips for Watering Indoor Plants
Don’t let your plants stay too damp, because it could cause “root rot” (or some other phrase with both assonance and alliteration). Hence letting them dry out a bit between waterings.
“Listen” to your plants (unless you literally hear them talking to you, in which case, immediately contact a mental health professional). If they seem droopy or leaves fall off or become discolored, they prolly want more or less water. Usually withered=thirsty. Adjust and experiment, and you’ll figure it out. It’s not nearly as hard as I somehow always thought it was.
Give your plants back-stories. Put googly-eyes on ’em. For instance, I’ve named the pothos plant Porthos, after one of the Three Musketeers (nevermind why they weren’t the Four Musketeers, since d’Artagnan was the main character and also a musketeer, but that is another story). I imagine this one in a sword fight (again, why not the Four Sword Fighters, since muskets never really come up?). The wine in question is the vin d’Anjou, which fans of both Alexandre Dumas père and/or Arturo Pérez-Reverte.
Could you forget to water a wine-swilling Musketeer?
Talk to your plants! Read them Infinite Jest (they may be the only ones on the planet to know how it end; you know you never finished it…) or Midnight’s Children (ditto) and/or your own maudlin poetry from high school. It may seem pointless, but it’s still WAY less pointless than watching Tiger King.
Above all, don’t be intimidated, and don’t overthink it. Your thumb is already greener than you think.
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