Easy Money Tree*

Manage & Grow Your Money (Tree). No Hedge Fund Required.

*Not a source of money, just easy.

Money trees are easy. Even if they don’t grow the kind of money you can “exchange for goods & services,” they do grow very pretty leaves that are a good source of oxygen and releasing oxytocin or seratonin or some shit when you look at them.

These “trees” (not really trees) with their signature braided “trunks” are said to bring good luck & prosperity. So, if you’re already rich AF, you’re definitely going to get richer if you have this plant! Or if you don’t! Having a ton of money is the #1 way to get more money. It’s practically foolproof, and based on the inequities of late-stage Capitalism, but has literally nothing to do with what kind of houseplants you have (if you disagree, there’s a totally serious Nigerian prince who wants to meet you…). Unless you’re talking about being “rich in spirit,” or some other schlocky BS.

However, they ARE legit pretty, and easy for even the most inexperience plant guardian.

Many similar potted “trees” are Varsity Level Indoor Plants that I imagine require a lab coat and a perfectly clean house full of white furniture and no pet hair in order to grow.

That is NOT my house, dear reader.

If it’s not yours either, you may be like me, and spent years thinking you weren’t Martha Stewart-y and/or enough of a horticulture hippy to keep indoor plants alive for longer than a day. If that’s you, get you a Money Tree, tout de suite! Before long, you’ll rolling in green. Green leaves, but still.

This time last year, back when I didn’t own a single indoor plant, I still thought MoneyTree was just a sketchy, predatory provider of short-term, insanely high-interest loans to people trapped in a cycle of hand-to-mouth poverty by systemic economic injustice. They kinda ruined the name of a perfectly good plant that, I have on good authority, is very much against usurous lending practices and the exploitation of low-wage workers in Late-Stage Capitalism.

This one likes indirect, medium-bright light and infrequent, but thorough watering–usually once the topsoil is dry (or “dry-ish,” they’re pretty forgiving). Ours lives in the foyer, where it gets a reasonable amount of light, and people only occasionally mistake it for a giant marijuana plant (ProTip: don’t smoke your money tree. If you need someone to tell you that, you probably shouldn’t be living unsupervised).

Amateur Tip 1: I learned the kinetic/experiential (“by effing up”) way that the leaves facing the window or other light source grow MUCH faster. Like, for reals. After the first month or so of owning this tree, I noticed that the leaves facing the window were HUGE, while the rest of them stayed the same size. Also, the giant leaves were overshadowing the brand new “baby” leaves, which were a bit stunted as a result (sort of the houseplant version of Mommy Dearest). This can be fixed by simply turning the plant a bit whenever you water it, so about once a week, or whatevs? Your mileage may vary.

Amateur Tip 2: According to the pros, these don’t like being near a cold draft or a heater. I got mine about six months ago, in November, when it’s quite cold in our old, drafty house in Seattle. It’s spent the whole time in a spot between the front door (source of cold drafts) and a floor heater vent, and (except for occasional run-ins with Money Tree’s arch-nemeses, the Housecats…), it’s thriving. So, based on a non-scientific sample size of one, I’m gonna give that one a *shrug.*

AmateurPro™ Tips: How Not To Kill Your Money Tree