Are you a “Helicopter (Plant) Parent”?

If so, it may be time that you cut the cord and let your seedlings go forth and find reasons to hate you (while still dependent on you) until they can figure out how to be their own plant. They have have leaves and roots, it’s almost time for them to make their own way in the harsh and unforgiving Big City (i.e., outdoor garden), like the insufferable protagonist of some Jay McIerney novel.

Hardening off your the seedlings you plant indoors in early spring/late winter is basically just transitioning them from the nurturing warmth of your home to the cold, cruel world of the outdoor garden. (Think of it as sending your seedlings to a Liberal Arts college on the East Coast.) This typically invovles leaving them outside for some portion of the day, but bringing them in at night, for about a week before transplanting them to the garden or outdoor container.

plant cutting with plant hormone powder
The wild & errant youth of houseplants…

I know how it is. You’re proud of this thing you’ve brought to life. Your young seedling has sprouted leaves, and is sitting on the kitchen counter, staring out the window, just waiting to hear back from Brown or Swarthmore. I hate to say it, but, if they have established leaves … it’s time to harden them off.

There’s a LOT of information online and in gardening books about how to best harden off your seedlings. For weeks, I’ve been telling mine that the middle class is dead, and to give up on their dreams of playing Audrey in the Off-Broadway revival of A Little Shop of Horrors. You’ll end up in a tattered Elmo costume on 42nd Street, smelling of cheap fortified wine and Weltschmerz.

Give up, seedlings. This will never be you. You don’t have what it takes to play Audrey, and you know it.

Hardening off the easy way

If you had asked me this time last year (or, TBH, last month) what it meant to “harden off your seeds,” I’d have thought this was a reason to get in touch with HR. Now, a year into figuring out how plants work, I realize it’s not as perv-y as it sounds.

In keeping of the theme of this blog, I encourage you not to over-think it. There are some theories that you should take your seedlings out for an hour a day, in not too much sun or wind, and then extend their time outside by one hour each day until they’re out there seven hours a day. By then, they’ll be ready for you to co-sign on their lease for a studio loft in Bushwick!

Other theories say to just put them out during the day, and bring them in at night. If you don’t have the time or inclination to home-school your seedlings, this is a reasonable alternative. They’ll become hardened and jaded before you know it! I’ve also been letting mine know that they’ll be renting forever, and that the middle class is dying. It seems to be helping prepare them for the so-called Real World.

Unlike other parts of the country/world, Seattle stays cold and overcast until about July 4, when we have our three or so weeks of spring/summer/fall before the world plummets back into maudlin darkness. Yay!

So, my hot-weather, sun-loving plants like peppers, okra, tomatoes and collards are gonna have to figure out how to navigate and thrive in a hostile environment (I tell them to pretend they’re a woman working in tech).

When to harden off your baby plants?

There’s a good bit of debate about that, but the short answer–about a week or so before you want to plant them outdoors. Make sure they have “true leaves.” This will be wildly different for different kinds of seedlings, and even the same seeds (e.g., broccoli seeds) can grow at pretty different rates.

For some seedlings, this might take up to a month or more after planting the seeds. Other more precocious seeds, like lettuce and other fast-growing veggies, it may be ten days or even less.

Will they survive plant adolescence, and make their way in the big outdoor containers? Only time (and this blog) will tell!