Easy care plants, ZZ Plants, Low-light houseplants

The ZZ Plant is so easy, you may think it’s a Deep Fake. I know I did.

I bought my first ZZ almost exactly a year ago, at IKEA, for about $12 (amazingly, I didn’t even have to put it together with an Allen wrench, only to discover a bunch of extra leaves and branches in the end). It was news to me that everyone’s favorite Swedish retailer of rickety furniture, housewares, and meatballs even sold live plants. Their fake plant selections outnumber them 10 to 1, but I’ve always found fake plants creepy for reasons I can’t explain.

The label assured that it was a “LIVE PLANT” and a “ZZ” (I’m surprised they didn’t rename it something like the “ZøZø” plant; missed opportunity IMHO). It was one of the very first plants I bought as soon as it became clear that we were gonna be staying home a LOT for the near future, and buying plants seemed like a better Quarantine habit than developing a pill addiction or watching The Bachelor, so I threw it in the cart.

After the first two months of this plant looking pretty much exactly how it did when I got it, I started to wonder if it wasn’t actually plastic. To test the theory, ripped off a corner of one of the leaves. It did, in fact, have non-plastic innards! And, a few weeks later, there was a slightly brown tip where the leaf patched itself up, which I’m guessing a plastic plant, even a “ZøZø,” would not be able to do.

ZZ Plants: The Vampires of the Plant World?

No, they don’t eat blood. Just water, and very rare fertilizing is fine.

Things ZZ Plants have in common with vampires:

1. They don’t like bright light, and are fine even in very low light situations. You could prolly grow them in a coffin.

2. Popular with millennials

3. Starting in the early 2000s, all of a sudden, they were everywhere (see “ZZ history” below).

4. They are hard to kill. At least with vampires, a stake through the heart will do it. Killing a ZZ plant possibly requires the Dark Arts.

So, if you’re a dom/me who’s been wanting to spruce up your dungeon, the ZZ plant is the perfect low-light accent plant. Consider putting it next to your St. Andrew’s Cross!

Loves neglect and low light, and occasional humiliation play.

ZZ Plant History: From Zanzibar to Amsterdam to Amsterdam Avenue

The history of the ZZ plant is at the intersection of Post-Colonialism and mid-90s “mom jeans.” The plant was formulated by South African and Dutch botanists in around 1996. It was a hybrid of similar plants found in the eastern parts of Sub-Saharan Africa.

By the early-to-mid 2000s, the ZZ plant had reverse-colonized the homes of apartment-dwellers and suburbanites in Europe, who *handwaving over the specifics* introduced it to the U.S. and other markets.

AmateurPro™ Tips for Keeping a ZZ Plant Alive

Light?	Indirect, moderate-to-low. Pretend this one’s a Gremlin–avoid too much direct light.
Water?	Basic Model watering. Err on the side of underwatering, if in doubt.
Fertilize?	Maybe once a year or so, diluted. Not in winter.
Superpowers?	Thrives on neglect. You can not text it for weeks and then send a one-line “Hey” and your ZZ will totally be fine with it.
Downsides?	Technically “toxic” to pets & humans, but not enough to kill either, although it can make pets or humans kinda sick. Most cats are smart enough to not eat them, but dogs & humans may be a different story, so keep them away from any who can’t avoid the temptation of foul-tasting, waxy leaves.